A Skill-Building Approach: Don’t Hold the Leash Too Tight
We’ve probably all been there—something a young person does or says sets us off.
Jasmin, the mother of soon-to-be-eleven-year-old Sophia, describes it as feeling so frustrated that everything else fades, spiraling, almost losing control—like the time Sophia lied to her.
Before coming home from work, she called Sophia:
She had a writing assignment. I asked if she needed help with it. She told me she didn't. I asked her if it was done. She told me it was.
Then she got a text from Sophia’s teacher stating the assignment was missing. Jasmin says:
I got home very upset, with one mission, and that was to yell at her!
There are many reasons, Jasmin says, that incidents like this can be so emotionally fraught. It’s a time of developmental transition:
The one word that comes to mind when I think of teens is transition—just going from having mom and dad helping them every step of the way versus now they're learning to become independent. They want your help, but then they kind of don't.
In the Breakthrough Years study, we asked a nationally representative group of parents whether they had difficulty accepting their child’s growing independence: 12 percent reported “always” or “often;” while 33 percent said “sometimes.”
Sophia “has a lot of emotions happening all at once” and the end of the work day Jasmin does too:
We come home stressed from work [and] we have the stress of our duties as parents. So, it was like all of that just building up inside of me.
I don't like to be lied to, especially with her!
There are a series of studies on autonomy support that are very helpful in dealing with situations like this. Importantly, the researchers didn’t set out to discover the best ways to handle conflict.
The researchers studying younger children have been asking what helps children learn; specifically, learning executive function skills that are foundational to academic and life success.1
The researchers studying older children have been asking what helps children thrive?2
In other words, these studies are focused on life outcomes.
Second, the researchers didn’t start out trying to prove pre-established notions of adult guidance—instead they observed and listened. In studies of preschool children led by Stephanie Carlson of the University of Minnesota, for example, the researchers brought children into the lab with a parent and watched how they interacted when the children were given a puzzle that was slightly too hard for kids this age to do by themselves. Studies led by Wendy Grolnick at Clark University of older children observed and interviewed parents and children about how they handled issues like homework, studying, and unsupervised time.
In both sets of studies, the researchers found that parents who supported children’s autonomy—that is helped them feel “choiceful and the owners of their actions”3 —had children who were more likely to learn AND thrive. In the puzzle studies, these children developed better executive function skills and in the studies about homework and unsupervised time, these children were more motivated, did better at school, and had better wellbeing.
Despite the way the word “autonomy” can sound, there was no lack of adult structure. In one of Grolnick’s studies that followed 160 students from sixth into seventh grade, the researchers found that when parents provided structure (clear expectations, rules and consistency) in autonomy-supportive ways, their children were more motivated in school, felt more competent, and had better English grades, even when their prior feelings of competence, motivation, and grades were controlled for statistically.4
Underlying these approaches is a key principle—adults don’t fix things for kids—they build on their need for autonomy and help them learn how to fix things for themselves.
Ashley, a 14-year-old who is close to Jasmin’s family, told us why autonomy matters in her own life:
My parents sometimes hold the leash too much. Eventually I'm going to grow. So maybe not just let go of the leash, but like, WALK WITH THE LEASH.
Kids suffer—like when they're older—since they've been holding the leash for so long, they're used to it and they're not able to expand and build upon other things.
Ashley knows that young people her age need structure and guidance but done in ways that build their competence vs. controlling them, which researchers define as behavior that “places pressure on children, solves problems for them, and disregards their perspectives and opinions.”5
Four strategies comprise an autonomy-supportive, skill-building approach:
1. Check in on yourself.
Pause before responding. Try to figure out why you are reacting to this situation as you are. Your response will set the tone.
Though she’d come home ready to yell, Jasmin paused and took the time to decompress:
What I did was I went to the bathroom, put a washcloth over my face, washed my face.
2. Take your child’s view
Try to understand why your child might be behaving this way, what their goals are.
When she was ready to deal with the situation, she told her daughter:
Sophia, the teacher texted me, sent me a message about a missing assignment that you told me was done. What's going on?
“Mom, I'm having trouble with this girl at school,” Sophia responded. “It's been affecting me. I just said that just so you can kind of get off my back so I can deal with the situation.”
Sophia was being bullied.
3. Share expectations, limits and reasons
Explain your point of view—what is expected and why. You are predictable and share reasons and limits in ways that help your adolescent take an active role.
Jasmin says:
She's a really good kid, overall wholesome. So, when I see her doing things out of the ordinary, I should always stop—What's going on? Investigate a little further.
Her expectations were very clear. No lying. Homework needs to get done.
4. Problem-solve together
Invite your child to play an active role by engaging in joint problem-solving versus fixing things for them.
Sophia and Jasmin decided on two courses of action. They would go to the school together to request that Sophia and this girl not sit at the same table in English class. Additionally, Sophia would reach out to a school counselor who deals with bullying:
The counselor works together in a group that includes the children who are bullying and being bullied to solve the problem.
From this experience, Sophia learned that it is okay to have boundaries—“no bad words. No touching me. There is a safe space around my body.”
I got more confident that I could stand up for myself and how to stand up for myself.
That’s why it’s called a skill-building approach!
The Breakthrough Years study found that when parents are autonomy-supportive, defined as using these four strategies, their children are less likely to feel stressed and even depressed.
Annie Bernier, Stephanie M. Carlson and Natasha Whipple, “From external regulation to self-regulation: Early parenting precursors of young children’s executive functioning,” Child Development 81 (February 2010): 326-339, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01397.x; Alyssa S. Meuwissen and Stephanie M. Carlson, “Fathers matter: The role of father parenting in preschoolers' executive function development,” Journal of Experimental Child Psychology 140 (December 2015): 1-15, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2015.06.010; Rebecca Distefano et al., “Autonomy-Supportive Parenting and Associations with Child and Parent Executive Function,” Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 58 (July-September 2018): 78, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2018.04.007.
Richard M. Ryan and Edward L. Deci, “Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being,” American Psychologist 55, no. 1 (2000): 68–78, https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68; Wendy S. Grolnick, “Meeting Development Needs,” Adolescent Virtual Speaking Series, Bezos Family Foundation, October 13, 2020.
Wendy S. Grolnick, interview by Ellen Galinsky, October 27, 2017; Wendy S. Grolnick, email message to Ellen Galinsky, September 5, 2022.
Wendy S. Grolnick et al., “Parental Provision of Academic Structure and the Transition to Middle School,” Journal of Research on Adolescence 25, no. 4 (2015): 668, https://doi.org/10.1111/jora.12161.
Madeline R. Levitt, Wendy S. Grolnick, and Jacquelyn N. Raftery-Helmer, “Maternal Control and Children’s Internalizing and Externalizing Symptoms in the Context of Neighbourhood Safety: Moderating and Mediating Models,” Journal of Family Studies 28, no. 4 (November 2020): 1543–1565, https://doi.org/10.1080/13229400.2020.1845779.