“Listening is Where Love Begins”

Thinking of Mister Rogers on Publication Day

Last week was Mister Rogers’ birthday.

Today is the publication of my ninth book, The Breakthrough Years: A New Scientific Framework for Raising Thriving Teens.

Fred Rogers and Ellen Galinsky

I’ve been thinking a lot about my friend and colleague Fred Rogers (I had the honor of serving as a parenting expert on his shows for parents) because he got so many things right.

Fred wrote, “Listening is where love begins.”

My book began by listening to teenagers. It began by asking young people in focus groups and interviews, What do they want adults to know about people their age?”

And they responded—again and again—“Why don’t people like teenagers?”

This book will be published into a world where there is a lot conversation in the media about teenagers, much of stoking adults’ fears about this age group: how their mental health is in free-fall, how social media and screens are sucking away their zest for life, how the pandemic has diminished their social, academic and economic capital, and how they live in an era of loneliness. A headline I just read said “kids are dying inside.”

To adolescents, our fears for them feel like labeling all of them—as a depressed generation, as not smart, lazy, media-addicted, entitled or snowflakes. I dare say it seems unlikely that we would label any other group in America with such sweeping negatives. And this group represents one quarter of the American population. 

When asked what they want to tell the adults of America in my nationally representative study of 9-19-year-olds, 38 percent— a huge number for an open-ended question—wrote to stop looking at them so negatively, to stop generalizing, to stop labeling them.

This is not to say that adults’ concerns about teenagers’ mental and academic health aren’t valid—many of them are, but so are teens’ concerns about being seen just for their weaknesses, not for their strengths as well.  

So that’s why I have been thinking of Fred and his wisdom— “listening is where love begins.”

Listening can be hard. Fred knew that. During one of my visits with him, it was the height of a series of parodies on Saturday Night Live where Eddie Murphy played him on Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood.

Fred asked me if I had seen these skits. I had.

He asked me if I would watch them with him and his team and we did.

He then turned to me and asked, “Why would they do this?”

We talked about why people diminish other people. Fred was hurt but he was able to listen to himself, striving to understand why what felt cruel to him felt funny to others.  

But he didn’t stop there.  He wanted to listen to Eddie Murphy so went to NBC to meet him. And then, as he always did, he listened to the science of adults’ and children’s development.

We are not going to change things for teenagers unless we listen to them—and listen to their families and listen to the science.

That’s what these nine years of writing The Breakthrough Years have been all about—moving beyond the culture of fear and sensationalism about teenagers to bring together the voices of teens, their parents, and rigorous science. We especially need to reframe how we talk about teenagers because that affects how we behave toward them. Then, and only then, can we address the real challenges they face growing up and the challenges we face as their parents and teachers. And, as I found, in my nine years of research, there are numerous effective credible initiatives that help teens thrive.

Happy Birthday Fred!! And happy publication day to The Breakthrough Years. Listening is where love—and I would add, societal change—truly begin!!